Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
