Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
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I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
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Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Life without a bra equals bliss.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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