I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
