The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
