Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
