Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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