You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
are you so shy because you have an std?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I AM VODKA MAN
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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