I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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