you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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