i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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