so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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