I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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