Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
