So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
