Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
