Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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