I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
