paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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