Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So vagazzling was a success
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
