He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
