All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't deserve a penis
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize