What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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