I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
worst night to have a conscience
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I forget how to act sober
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
