Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
