there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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