I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
