So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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