Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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