I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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