dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
