Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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