You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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