dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pants are for mortals
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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