if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
