I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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