You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
