If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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