the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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