Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
