I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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