Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
