Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sobbing to NWA
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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