Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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