do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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