You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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