im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
