She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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