I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
