wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
