just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
