I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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