I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
