i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
