I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
