He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
