Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
