fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
