I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
