Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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