I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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