Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
