the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We are all done wearing pants today
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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